Be Proud.

I have been on a different planet the past few weeks. Dozing in and out of reality. Adoring the creativity that has been a result of the dream state. However also very much feeling things in an extreme sense.
My brother called me sometime during the past few weeks and told me he had a girlfriend (don't tell anyone cos it's a secret, ha). I was so happy for him. Then when we hung up. I was sitting in my room, in the silence, and tears poured out of me. I don't think I had ever cried that hard, or maybe I had but not for the same expression; I was crying because I shared the experience of a new relationship.
It made me remember that funny feeling in your stomach when you realise you are starting to like someone. It made me think of the 'oh, should I wait 5 minutes before I text him back?' and the 'oh no I so shouldn't have said that'. And the smiles. And the first 'I love you'.
I can't express how much of a blessing it was for me to remember these things. For the past year and half, all I have thought of are the negatives that I had in my last relationship. All I thought of was the break up and the new girl and the stage leading up to the break up. Even if I remembered a positive - it was quickly consumed by a negative.
So what happened, when I hung up the phone and I started crying, was acceptance. And within acceptance there was gratitude. I believe it was the biggest milestone of my life so far. And I have never been prouder of myself and this life that is starting to bloom.

I wrote this the day after:

The belief of insight into other people’s minds has ceased. A more powerful insight has begun. It is not an allowance to never forgive. It is an ability to remember. We are the beauty and we are the not the controllers. It’s no longer the hard copy of the photograph; it is the vivid colours in the kaleidoscope of your mind. Allow the pulsing of stark magnificence amoungst real pain. Feel it. Leave it. Hate it. Come back to it. Rip it up and throw it in the bin. Pull it out of the bin and piece it back together. Put it in the corner. And then when you least expect it – you will accept it and appreciate it for what it was. 
(s.e)

those shoes.

ah, man. rush of blood to the heart. followed with anxiety.

stalking never gets anyone anywhere.

they have made it official - must be serious.
i knew it anyway but actually seeing it.

he really loves her. 

man,
i
will
not
sleep
well
tonight.

i don't even know whether it is the fact that they are together that really bothers me. i am bothered that i am just replaced. like, i won't be the one he thinks of when he gets old - he will think of her. and i am not the one he thinks about when he is alone - he is thinking of her. i am bothered that i will always think of him.

and also scared that because he can move on and forget - that must mean all our mutual friends will just move on and replace me with her.

i want this to pass. quickly. and a lot less painfully then it is right now.

SERIOUSLY need to get fackin' hot.

i have a tea party on sunday with all my girls.

night,
eph xo